Was reading over one of those kinds of "maturity" checklists, the kind that are ostensibly written for one gender, but actually address the other and I started thinking:
It's been a long time since I thought I was somehow perfect. Even when my opinion of myself was at it's highest, I doubt I projected much in the way of positive self image. I suspect that image has been steadily tarnishing since the implosion of my first relationship; 20 years is a long time to rehash a single failure, especially when it's the first one. Pretty much everyone is given to the mistakes the first time they do anything. Sometimes you learn on the fly and sometimes you find you just have to start over.
Anyway, the list I was reading reminded me that I'm still something of a split decision when it comes to relationship material. I have a steady, well paying job, but I'm overwhelmingly lazy in other parts of my life. I have a lot of interests, but none that I'm particularly passionate about or pursue with any amount of dedication. I value intelligence, compassion and creativity, but I'm also grotesquely shallow. There's a number of different things I'd like to do with what's left of my life, but I've got no real ambition, no impetus to even get started, much less realize those goals.
Given the state of my life, I often find myself wondering if it's worth the effort to start over. I suspect I'm already more than half done with my life and I've settled into a pretty deep rut of complacency over the years. I find I have less and less energy to push my boundaries, to generate the energy to try to overcome my own weaknesses and basically to heave myself out of this cyclic trench I've dug for myself.
There's plenty of things I'd like to do that might help press me out of my routine: I'd like to stop working my day job (using the term loosely) and write full time for a while, just to see if I could do it; I'd like to travel a bit, see how the experience hits me after being stationary for so long; I'd like to indulge my other creative urges a bit more, go back to the piano again, maybe try sketching again like I did in high school; I'd actually like to change my day job to something that maybe doesn't have the same amount of presumed stability, but provides a greater sense of accomplishment.
The problem is most of those endeavors require money I don't have to spare or energy I don't have at all. As it stands right now, after I get off of work I barely have the energy to make it upstairs to bed; sometimes I just sack out right on my couch. I'm exhausted...by a life that barely has anything in it.
How am I expected to rise to the challenge of the more active life I desire?